


Eye of the Hurricane

by CitizenNumber1



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-01
Updated: 2020-04-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 17:47:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,600
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23421208
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CitizenNumber1/pseuds/CitizenNumber1
Summary: Sometimes even badasses need a quiet spot and a teddy bear to hug.
Kudos: 5





	Eye of the Hurricane

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LtLime23](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LtLime23/gifts).



> Nuestro amor es mi luz en la oscuridad.

James looked up from his workbench, briefly staring into space as he tried to figure out what had caught his attention. He heard a familiar step behind him, and he put down the weapon parts he was working with, before picking up a cloth and turning around. Walking quietly out of his work area, he called softly, "That you, Lola?"

Shepard looked up from her omni-tool and smiled wanly at him. "Hi James. I thought you were up having chow with the rest of the crew."

As she spoke, James tried to hide his surprise. The commander wore her combat base layers and unlaced boots. The collar of her top was dark where the blood had pooled from the still pink gash across her forehead, sealed with a hasty medi-gel application in the field and only just tidied by Dr Chakwas. She was moving stiffly and lacked her usual colour.

He shook his head and kept his voice soft. "No, I didn't really feel up to….all that."

Shepard nodded and shuffled backward while scanning around for a space. "I was down looking for a quiet spot too. I'll go and steal Steve's chair while he's upstairs."

James shook his head a little more forcefully than he meant, a “No," escaping his lips before he realised. Shepard stopped.

He cleared his throat. "I mean, no, it’s ok. If you wanted to chill here with….uh…if you want to...you're not bothering me." He felt himself go red.

Shepard watched him a moment, before stepping forward. "I could use a little company too." She peered over his shoulder. "What are you working on?"

He looked back at the stripped weapon on the bench.

"Oh, we received one of those fancy N7 Hurricanes in our last shipment. I'd put in a requisition because I know your current SMG is starting to wear. But they're known for being pretty unstable, so I'm installing a mod onto it."

Shepard smiled. "Show me?"

He nodded. "Sure."

He cleared off a stool and placed it on the other side of the workbench. He waited for the commander to settle. He saw her blue fingernails as she flicked her omni-tool to do not disturb, and grabbed a nearby hoodie and held it and an eyebrow up. Shepard nodded and took it, disappearing into it for a moment before pushing the sleeves up and pulling the hood back far enough for her to see.

Settling a hip against the workbench, James picked up the mostly stripped weapon and began listing its basic stats, before going into why he thought it could replace the commander’s current beloved Locust. Turning it over in his hands, he pointed out where the mod would go; getting lost in the easy joy he found in working on weapons. He picked up the stabiliser to demonstrate, his eyes briefly flicking up to the commander as he did.

She sat, listless. He had thought her gaze was on the weapon in his hand, but she stared into the counter with unseeing eyes. Her face was slack, her skin pale and sallow. James felt a sense of vertigo as his hero, always invincible and larger than life, became human. His fingers gripped the counter as her looked at hers, graceful and deft hacking interfaces while under fire on the battlefield, delicate and bruised now. He felt his shoulders strain against his shirt, her lean frame swallowed by his hoodie, her lean frame not even close to filling it. He had an image of her hoisting Kaidan onto her shoulders on Mars, of her fighting brutes and waves of husks while lugging battery packs on 2181 Despoina without a whimper.

He blinked. She wasn’t an invincible superhero soldiers like him aspired to be. She was a soldier, she was human, and she was exhausted. His cheeks burned with embarrassment.

He stood, staring down at her, unsure what to do.

Without looking up Shepard spoke softly. “When will it be enough?”

James frowned. “Lola?”

She looked up, the sadness in her eyes swallowing him.

“When will it be enough? How many battles do I need to fight? How many wars? How many times do I need to argue with politicians while civilians die? How many times do I need to look a mother in the eye and tell her I did everything I could? How many times do I have to face my squad knowing everything wasn’t enough?”

She sighed. “I don’t even know if anyone knows my name.” She paused and dropped her gaze to her lap, whispering the last. “When will I be enough?”

James stood mute and frozen.

Shepard looked up at him, her gaze imploring even as she seemed to shrink further. She shook her head and stood up.

“I’m sorry, James,” she said as stepped around him. “That was out of line.”

He caught her hand to stop her, her eye shining with tears as she looked up at him. He kept his eyes on his feet. He cleared his throat around the lump wedged there.

“My mother used to call me ‘mi luz’ when I was small. My light. I have an older sister, but I spent my time with my mother. She cooked, and kept tomatoes and herbs in the garden. I loved helping her, filling the watering can, or taking away her clippings.” He smiled. “I wanted to do the ‘man’ stuff for her.”

He cleared his throat again. “My dad was around back then. He was a mean drunk.”

He breathed into the tightness compressing his chest.

“I’d bring her compresses, and rinse out the washer…I would tell her she was the most beautiful woman in the world, even when she was trying to hide her face to avoid the questions. Especially then. But, he wasn’t always mean. Sometimes he got funny and liked to laugh. So, when he started drinking, I’d turn into a clown. I’d put on music and dance silly, or try to do flips and tricks and fall down. I’d make up funny stories, or ask him to tell some to me. Just keep looking at me, please. Sometimes I thought it worked, but most of the time it didn’t. Sometimes it would irritate him, and I’d lay awake that night. I couldn’t sleep knowing I’d brought it on her…”

He let the tears slowly well and run down his face, catching and weaving their way through the stubble on his chin.

“I felt useless. It went on for years, until one day she waited until he went to work, and then took us to my uncle. She’d been saving all those years, to get us the money we needed to cross the border. She never went back. It was my uncle that pushed me to join the alliance.”

“I couldn’t get over it though. Even though she was safe, I hadn’t saved her. She was the most important thing in the world to me, and I hadn’t done anything to stop him.”

Shepard’s tears fell along with his. He held her gaze.

“She had the sad look in her eyes, like you do. It never really went away. The day I enlisted in the Alliance, I took her to the beach for a picnic, so we could sit and watch the sunset together. I couldn’t leave without apologising for letting her down. I’d carried it for so many years, I had to tell her.”  
He turned to face Shepard, and took her other hand.

“She told me that I was the reason she was alive. Mi luz...my light. I didn’t need to take away her suffering. But knowing I saw it, knowing that I saw her, that I never stopped seeing her as my beautiful mama, that was enough.”

He paused. “Her name was Lola.”

He shrugged sheepishly as her look turned quizzical, holding his hand in up in a gesture of small. A white lie. He wiped a fresh tear from her cheek.

“You are enough. You might not win every battle, save every person or even win the war. You can’t stop all of the galaxy’s suffering. But, you give them hope. Not the famous Commander Shepard. You. When you get beaten and stand back up, and when you scrape your way to victory. You show us it’s worth fighting, even when you might lose. You show all of us that an ordinary person can fight. And that means we can too.”

He squeezed her hand. “You are enough, Robyn.”

She squeezed back, and he stepped closer to wrap her in a hug, catching her before she fell, holding her tight as she sobbed into his chest. He held her close until her sobs became shaking breaths, and then until he felt her straighten.

She looked up at him. “Thank you James.”

She ran a hand through her hair and wiped her face. “I need to get back.”

He nodded. She paused and squeezed his hand again. He smiled. She headed for the lift, he watched her spine lengthen, her step become more purposeful and her shoulders set as she got closer. She called the lift before she turned back to James.

“I’d like it if you’d still call me Lola, James.”

He let the smile spread wide over his face as she stepped into the lift. “You got it, Lola.”

He was still smiling as he walked back to his workbench, the rumble of his stomach reminding him that he was starving. Packing his gear away, he washed up and headed for the mess, whistling softly to himself.


End file.
